What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 13:33
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why in my 60s do I have a strong desire to suck cock and swallow?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why is my ex still keeping in touch with me even though she dumped me?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
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My life is so biszare .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What did i know ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do men like to suck another man’s dick?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I will be 64.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We all went to grammer schools
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.